My 25 Most-played Songs

Facts for film buffs:

+ "I Love LA" is played over the baseball scene from The Naked Gun
+ "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" is played twice in The Departed
+ "Dance Dance Dance" is played in a nightclub scene in Scarface
+ "Treadstone Assassins" is a theme from The Bourne trilogy films

A tribute to Thwaites

I lost my job at Thwaites this week: a 50% decrease in orders meant that a third of their staff was made redundant, including me. I suppose that an engineering company in financial difficulties can do without somebody whose main talent is producing fancy graphics. I generally enjoyed working for such a friendly and eccentric company, and I'm sad that I had to leave under such circumstances. Here are some of my highlights.

On my first unaccompanied visit to the factory, I was accosted by a short man in a flat cap. He embraced me whilst singing a ballad from the 1950s. On subsequent encounters he would ask me if I had remembered various items from his grocery list.

Some of the fork-lift truck drivers had worked out how to detach mops from their handles, and wore them as wigs. They then spent the rest of the day pretending to be rastafarians.

The aristocratic owner could occasionally be seen walking around dressed like Toad from Wind in the Willows.

I was attending a "think-tank" meeting at which one of our service engineers was present. Upon viewing the managing director and sales director enter the room, he remarked loudly "There's some right cunts at this meeting today".

TF returned from lunch to continue working with me on a project. He slammed the office door open, announced with a deadpan expression on his face that "it's Chico time" and sat down as if nothing unusual had happened.

Around the time of Elton John's last No. 1 single, TF walked past my office and spotted me through the glass. He stopped, stuck his head around the door and said "Are you ready for love? Yes I am" then walked off.

Some of the nicknames included:

+ Yes Yes Yes
+ Captain Pugwash on Tour
+ Cluedo
+ Smeagol
+ Bell-end

And finally, some of the best quotes from the last couple of months:

It's not over until the fat lady sings - and I am the fat lady

It's a bit ... it's a bit ... innit?

It's all right for you, but the Irish are fucking stupid

I just phoned to say: "Steve's a twat"

I wish everybody in the company well, and I hope that its fortunes revive soon.

Flying dog

I found this photo in my local newspaper - I like it a lot.

Sidmouth Folk Festival: Devon

There were stalls that sold beads and bracelets, henna tattooes and hair braiding. Street performers played traditional songs on quirky instruments. Many of the men in attendance were bearded, beer-gutted and middle-aged; the women post-menopausal, frizzy-haired and bespetacled. I did, however, pass several cute women in their early twenties who were apparently unattached. I wondered whether any of them would have liked me to be their dorky boyfriend.

It was essentially - like most festivals - an excuse to get drunk and listen to music. I fully endorsed this concept, although I eventually discarded the music-listening element in favour of conversation.

"What's the difference between a jig and a shanty?" I asked my uncle.
"I don't know - what is the difference between a jig and a shanty?"
"It's not a joke, I thought you might know"
"I dunno - sorry"

On the journey home, I listened to Bob Dylan's spoken voice on the car radio and watched the damp countryside pass by.

My Heroes Vol. 3: Kraftwerk

Ages: 61
Nationality: German
Occupation: Musicians

It's more interesting to listen to the sound of the elevator - zwiiiit, pwhrrr! - than to some muzak, which is sound pollution.

I first saw Kraftwerk in an episode of Tomorrow's World in the early 90s - a demonstration was made of the robots that they use during gigs. I was unimpressed and went back to watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons. I listened to one of their early recordings few years later, and I was hooked.

Their lyrics deal with the convenience and wonder of technology, but are also aware of the alienation and catastrophe that result from it.

No members of Kraftwerk could be described as charismatic. They aim to portray themselves as workers or robots - it's a dry joke that they usually fall back on in interviews.

Their last tour saw them dressed in a way that is similar to characters in Tron, in a line behind four laptop computers and in front of a large projection screen - best described as a cross between a techno club and modern art installation.

Megavalanche qualifier 2008

I looked around and saw that 200 riders had been assembled. Plastic tape fluttered in front of me and I was concentrating on breathing deeply and regularly. An MC with an indistinct Northern European accent was attempting to motivate the crowd. "IS EVERYBODY GAY?" he called. "Yeah!" I responded automatically, not processing what he had just said.

I looked ahead at the narrow track running downhill and thought of the riders who had crashed out on the previous heats. "Don't shit yourself now" continued the MC. "Save that for the race down the glacier tomorrow". A helicopter emerged in front of me and an air-raid siren wailed. A techno song came to a crescendo over the loudspeakers and the tape in front of me was lifted: it was time to pedal.



Pic related: it's me

My summer holiday 2008

I'm going to the French Alps on July 4 with five friends to participate in a downhill mountain biking competition.

The race starts on a black ski run, descending 2000 m over a distance of 30 km.